BREAKING: CRAFT CRIME WATCH

CAMBRIDGE HOBBYCRAFT: BIKER IN HIS SiXTIES ARRESTED AFTER DIPPING TESTICLES IN GLITTER

POLICE SAY “MERRY CHRISTMAS… BUT PLEASE KEEP CRAFTS TO YOUR HANDS!”

Local officers have confirmed the arrest a biker in his sixties following an unusual incident at Hobbycraft’s Cambridge branch on Regent Street yesterday afternoon, as festive shoppers prepared for last-minute Christmas crafting.

Witnesses reported seeing the man enter the store just after 2pm before approaching a large display of loose festive glitter, marketed as “Extra Sparkle for Wrapping & Cards” and submerging his bare testicles in the tubs. Staff intervened quickly, with store manager Maria Santos describing the scene as “chaotic, glitter-covered, and entirely unexpected at this time of year.”

“He seemed to think it was some kind of ‘festive prank’,” Ms Santos said. “We’ve had our share of messy craft sessions, but nothing quite like this. We’ll be deep-cleaning the display area for days, glitter gets everywhere.”
“Merry Christmas to all our community but please, keep your crafting to your hands, not any other body parts.”

– PC SPARKLES O’HOULIHAN, CAMBRIDGE CONSTABULARY
The officer, who joked that his name was “perfect for the job,” confirmed the man was arrested on the spot and led away in handcuffs – still dusted with glitter. He was taken to Parkside Police Station for questioning.

Hobbycraft Cambridge has since restocked its glitter displays, with all loose materials now stored in sealed containers behind the till. A spokesperson for the chain said: “We’re all for creative expression at Hobbycraft, but we ask customers to respect our products, staff and fellow shoppers – especially during our busiest season of the year.”
IN BRIEF
Festive Craft Tips Still Going Ahead
Hobbycraft’s free Christmas wrapping workshops will run as planned this weekend, with staff reminding attendees to “bring only your hands, scissors and festive enthusiasm.